NEW YORK, NY—In a scandalous triangle worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy or a Lifetime Original Movie, museums across the city are fighting for the love of cubist painter Pablo Picasso, with exhibitions all over. Who will win the heart of the rugged Spaniard this holiday season?
The first to vie for Picasso’s affection was the Whitney Museum of Contemporary American Art, whose exhibition, Picasso and American Art, explores its transatlantic love affair. “It’s just like Guernica here,” the Whitney said, “Only instead of a fascist coup, it’s a civil war for true love.” After a moment of reflection, the Whitney concluded, “Despite the fact that we come from two different worlds, I only hope Pabs [Picasso] will realize that background doesn’t matter. Love is blind. Two become one.”
Midtown, the Museum of Modern Art exuded an air of confidence. “Oh please,” it said, “Pablo knows that the Whitney is second-class trash. Why devote some tired, temporary exhibit to him when you’ve championed him since day one? I have ‘Les Desmoiselles d’Avignon.’ What’s it got? Some tiny drawings on consignment. I hate to sound catty, but Pablo knows who the real deal is.” It chuckled to itself as it took a final sip of its brandy.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, who currently is exhibiting Cézanne to Picasso: Ambroise Vollard, Patron of the Avant-Garde, was not as forgiving. “MoMA said that? Ain’t that tired. You know, I am so sick of that candy-ass bulls***!” After ranting and stomping for another five minutes, the museum donned one of its many suits of armor, a vibrant Mongol uniform from the 14th century. Picking up a spear, the Met added, “I will cut a bitch twice!” before storming out of the atrium.
Some don’t believe that all the hullaballoo and intrigue are even worth the energy. Right-wing commentator Stephen Colbert attacked Picasso on his program, The Colbert Report, calling the painter “overrated.” Colbert rejected a request for a follow-up interview with Obscene Jester, claiming the site was not “truthy” enough.
It remains to be seen who will woo the best. But with skyrocketing admission prices, it is certain that all the museums will make a pretty penny from the drama.
Across town, meanwhile, over at ABC, an executive who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told OJ that the network had already approached the painter to star in the next season of The Bachelor. “What can I say? Pablo’s on fire right now,” the executive said, “He is the man to watch for in 2007.” They are currently in negotiations.